Can't I?

The other day I was stuck in rush hour traffic when I saw a personalized plate that read “CANTI.” I immediately processed it as “Can’t I?” I’m not sure if that was the motorist's intention, but that's definitely what registered with me. 

The license plate was particularly significant to me because  our daughter has been saying “I can’t” lately when it comes to her daily routine. I’m quick to correct her by saying “Yes you can” or “Don’t say can’t. You can.” My logic may be lost upon her, as she is only two, but it’s important for me to start shaping her thinking now. When she is older, I hope that “I can’t” does not prevent her from chasing something that is part of what God has created just for her. 

That license plate left a lasting reminder that sometimes you have to be courageous enough to say “Can’t I?” when so many voices are saying “You can’t.”

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Fear Factor Part 4: Faith Over Fear

I have come to the last entry in my series on fear, and this exercise has been a great blessing to me. I’ve been able to rethink my own ideology and habits, and I’ve received feedback that these posts have helped others. Thanks for the encouragement to keep things going. Without further ado, let’s get into the topic of placing your faith above your fear.

First, let’s define faith. You may know it as a belief in something for which there is no proof, a commitment to God’s teaching or a strong belief in something or someone. I like to define it as the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Yes, I took that straight from the Bible (Hebrews 11:1). For me, this definition has exemplified the process of believing in something even when everything else says, “There’s no way that can happen.”

I used to believe I had strong faith until it was truly, and I mean truly, tested. I’m talking about the kind of test that has you praying on your knees day in and day out, crying ‘til there are no more tears, angry in your waiting, wanting with all of your being to get it right and seeing nothing but what’s wrong. I’m also talking about that point when all that’s left is your weary, battered and humbled self. When you’ve been tested like that and you can still hear that voice that tells you to keep going, then you’ve truly experienced faith.

I challenge you to tap into that faith and place it above fear. Hold onto that pole during the storm and say, “I won’t let go!” Remember what you’re working toward and stop looking back—your fear is there and it’s waiting for your return, but your faith is right next to you. Your faith wants to wrap its arms around you and take you to the next step where hope is waiting. So keep walking.

Shellie

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Fear Factor Part 2: Failing Up

I had an epiphany. I realized that we are brought up to fear failure. In part, I believe that our perceptions of failure are shaped in the same place we learn reading, writing and arithmetic. Schools help establish our learning patterns and set a standard for achievement that we carry with us well into adulthood, far beyond our academic days.

Consider the five-point grading scale that is used by most of America’s schools. It may vary from location to location but is nearly identical to this model:

A=Excellent

B=Good
C=Average
D=Poor
F=Failing

The range varies by school and school system, but an A (including A plus and A minus) may be awarded for performance that is ranked between 90 and 100 percent. Grades B, C and D also have their ranges. When you think about it, only one grade provides no variation in the degree of achievement. When an F is earned, there is no range and no need for debate—you’ve failed and you know it.

The F—the granddaddy of bad grades—was like the bogeyman when I was growing up. I heard other kids talk about it, and I even knew the boy who was rumored to earn it regularly, but I never saw it for myself. I wanted desperately to ensure that I never did see it. Like a comic book villain, the F lurks in classroom hallways, dripping beads of scarlet sweat, carrying the stench of permanent marker and waiting to be unfurled on its next victim. Though it is not called in to work as much as its more noteworthy colleagues like the grades A and B and even the mediocre C, the F is more intimidating than its associates and always carries the shock factor. With each appearance, it shows up to rob children of their self-confidence, shame them for their lack of preparation and shout that they’re dumb.

This grading scale reinforces the notion that failure is the polar opposite of success. When we grow up, we carry our sensitivity about the scale into our jobs. We are outraged when our boss completes a performance review and includes a ranking that we are certain does not align with our performance. We rate everything from looks, to books to movies. So what happens when we set a goal and don’t get the result we hope for? We think about those rating scales and are stung all over again with the stigma carried from our school days.

What would happen if we started to think of failure not as the opposite of success but as the result of not trying? What if failure were not final but merely a step on the road to achievement? This way of thinking is new to me, although Thomas Edison understood it years ago. He said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” What a concept! To find 10,000 ways that do not work to uncover one or two that do—and to experience each failure as a step toward success. How many of us have a fraction of that drive when it comes to our dreams?

If you are not where you want to be in a particular area of learning or achievement, why not start to set some clear goals and objectives? When I decided that there were several scenes of my book that could be improved, I took an online writing class and committed to making those scenes more engaging. It was a small step that made a big difference in the final product.  

If you feel that something bigger than you is trapped inside of you, I encourage you to rethink failure. Prepare for 10,000 ways. Who knows? Even if you end up with a different outcome than the one you hoped for, your path may lead you to something you'd never imagined you could achieve! 

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Fear Factor Part 1: The Fear of Failure

My last post focused on not allowing fear to trap your dreams. Today I’m exploring one of the biggest fears people face—the fear of failure. Ask yourself how many things you’d try if you knew you could not fail. Isn’t the thought alone liberating? Now think about how many things you haven’t tried because you knew you could fail. If you wrote down a list for each of the things I asked you to think about, they’d probably mirror one another.

 

For years I said that I was afraid of failure. I wore it as a badge and it drove me to be pretty ambitious when it came to areas like education, home ownership and corporate achievement.  That fear of failure was what motivated me to always pursue more…  or so I thought.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful teacher, even if its timing is lacking. Hindsight has shown me that while I thought fear was my motivator, it was actually a deterrent to my dreams. While I had focused on certain levels of success, there were other would-be goals that I completely avoided. Why? Because if I didn’t venture into unknown territory, there was no way I could fail. What I did not realize was the one thing that mattered:  If you fear failure, you’ve already failed.

 

Yep. I had been spending so much time on reaching certain goals, that I failed to set goals around other things that really mattered to me. Despite my efforts, I still stared fear in the face, although I had done everything I could to dodge it.

 

So often fear of failure manifests itself in over-cautious behavior, perfectionism and even self sabotage. It results from issues like pain of rejection, lack of self-confidence and feelings of inadequacy.

 

As you think about fear, consider these questions:

 

·         Have you ever been presented with an opportunity and shied away from it because you didn’t think you were qualified?

·         Do you remember concentrating so hard on getting a project just right, that you missed the deadline to turn it in?

·         Did you let a potential partnership pass because you were too lazy to follow up?

·         Did you write off a great idea as a daydream because you had no idea where to start on fulfilling it?

·         Did you find out a “virtual mentor”—the kind you follow in cyberspace because they’re doing what you want to do so you—was coming to town, but you made no effort to attend the event because you figured face time was not an option?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I’m sorry to say that you too have succumbed to the fear of failure. Join me as we enter the Realization Room. I would say there’s plenty of room, but that’s not true. It’s crowded in here because we are far from alone. While we’re here, I invite you to do something drastic and redefine failure. Instead of seeing it as a devastating end point, let’s think of it as a growth opportunity. Instead of blowing off that lofty idea, put some research into it, break it down step by step and determine if any part of it is doable.

 

In my commitment to redefining failure, I’m going to do something that I thought was rather silly in the past. My practical nature didn’t really think twice about doing something like getting a vision board. Then I remembered reading this scripture: “Then the LORD answered me, "Write the vision. Make it clear on tablets so that anyone can read it quickly.” (Habakkuk 2:2). After years of having several writing goals that have not seen their full potential, I figure there is no better time than the present to try something new. I’m learning to listen to that voice deep inside that says, “Just try it.”” And try I will. No matter what happens, I won’t have to look back in 20 years and ask, “What if?”

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Don’t Let Fear Trap Your Dreams

“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create.” You, too, may have heard actor Will Smith speak these words in a promo for the new film titled “After Earth,” which he stars in with his son, Jaden. The words stayed with me because I’ve been thinking a lot about fear this year. As I’ve realized my dream of publishing my first novel, I’ve also learned a lot about how fear has played a factor in my life and my decisions. I’m not talking about the type of fear that is associated with the fight-or-flight response, but the type of fear that keeps you from pursuing your dreams.

We have so many reasons for not chasing attainable dreams, whether they are to write a book, start a new business, pursue a relationship, earn a degree, change careers or pursue some other venture. We convince ourselves that we don’t have the time or the money. We tell ourselves our dreams are unachievable or silly. We concern ourselves with what other people will say or think, then we count the number of people who will be waiting for us to fail. We allow all of these thoughts to enter our psyche then we say, “Well, life’s not that bad. I’ll just carry on like I always have.” But it’s not about life being bearable as it is; it’s about us being too afraid to do what we were designed to do. It’s about us allowing fear to trap our dreams.

The topic of fear is one that is so powerful and intricate, I can’t speak on it in one post. So, guess what? I have decided to dedicate the month of June to posts about fear. Each week, I’ll bring you a new post on the topic of fear. I hope that my commitment to “punching fear in the face” (as my blog description notes) helps someone else as they consider their own challenges.

Get ready because this should be interesting, especially since I’ll be writing about a topic I have to crucify day in and day out. Stay tuned. We’ll see how this goes!

Shellie

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