Fear Factor Part 3: Regaining Focus

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I wrote this scripture on the board of my daughter’s hospital room a year-and-a-half ago. Day after day, it reminded me of God’s promises. There was a purpose for her life—a blueprint, if you will—that went far beyond what my husband and I could see or imagine. It told me that our micropreemie—weighing less than two pounds—would not only be fine, she would also have a phenomenal story to tell and a long life. I believed that deep in my heart.

For 93 days I read that scripture, recited it aloud and meditated on it. The experience was overwhelming and brought with it complicated machines, regular testing, surgeries, setbacks followed by victories and victories followed by setbacks.  Sometimes leaning on the scripture I mentioned became completely arduous. Our daughter’s time in the hospital became a testimony for what God can do even when circumstances seem bigger than life. Today she is healthy and shows no signs of her difficult beginnings, but there were moments of weakness and weariness in our circumstances that caused us to lose focus on what we believed in.

It is those “moments” that I’d like to explore briefly. At some point in your life, you have probably experienced some sort of distraction that interfered with a goal. Some distractions are unavoidable situations of life. Others are meant for your personal growth …if only you don’t get stuck. It’s easy to get stuck in any number of circumstances. For example you can get:

·         Stuck in not having the money

·         Stuck in not having the time

·         Stuck in not having the courage

·         Stuck in not having the resources

·         Stuck in not having the support

But if there were the chance that you’d get out of that rut that’s trapping you from moving forward, would you? Would you be willing to commit to the focus you lacked or gave up? Would you be willing to believe in a higher plan for your prosperity, hope and future? If your answer is yes to any of these questions, then congratulations! You’ve made the first step toward discovering (or rediscovering) your focus.

So what’s my advice? Well, think of this commitment to focus as a road trip. Know your starting point and your end point. Know when it’s time to gas up and eat. Know what you need to take with you and who should be riding shotgun. Decide where you will stop along the way and set a time for getting back on the road. And oh yeah, don’t spend time looking in the rear view mirror. You can’t make the trip if you’re constantly looking at what you left so long ago.

 

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Fear Factor Part 2: Failing Up

I had an epiphany. I realized that we are brought up to fear failure. In part, I believe that our perceptions of failure are shaped in the same place we learn reading, writing and arithmetic. Schools help establish our learning patterns and set a standard for achievement that we carry with us well into adulthood, far beyond our academic days.

Consider the five-point grading scale that is used by most of America’s schools. It may vary from location to location but is nearly identical to this model:

A=Excellent

B=Good
C=Average
D=Poor
F=Failing

The range varies by school and school system, but an A (including A plus and A minus) may be awarded for performance that is ranked between 90 and 100 percent. Grades B, C and D also have their ranges. When you think about it, only one grade provides no variation in the degree of achievement. When an F is earned, there is no range and no need for debate—you’ve failed and you know it.

The F—the granddaddy of bad grades—was like the bogeyman when I was growing up. I heard other kids talk about it, and I even knew the boy who was rumored to earn it regularly, but I never saw it for myself. I wanted desperately to ensure that I never did see it. Like a comic book villain, the F lurks in classroom hallways, dripping beads of scarlet sweat, carrying the stench of permanent marker and waiting to be unfurled on its next victim. Though it is not called in to work as much as its more noteworthy colleagues like the grades A and B and even the mediocre C, the F is more intimidating than its associates and always carries the shock factor. With each appearance, it shows up to rob children of their self-confidence, shame them for their lack of preparation and shout that they’re dumb.

This grading scale reinforces the notion that failure is the polar opposite of success. When we grow up, we carry our sensitivity about the scale into our jobs. We are outraged when our boss completes a performance review and includes a ranking that we are certain does not align with our performance. We rate everything from looks, to books to movies. So what happens when we set a goal and don’t get the result we hope for? We think about those rating scales and are stung all over again with the stigma carried from our school days.

What would happen if we started to think of failure not as the opposite of success but as the result of not trying? What if failure were not final but merely a step on the road to achievement? This way of thinking is new to me, although Thomas Edison understood it years ago. He said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” What a concept! To find 10,000 ways that do not work to uncover one or two that do—and to experience each failure as a step toward success. How many of us have a fraction of that drive when it comes to our dreams?

If you are not where you want to be in a particular area of learning or achievement, why not start to set some clear goals and objectives? When I decided that there were several scenes of my book that could be improved, I took an online writing class and committed to making those scenes more engaging. It was a small step that made a big difference in the final product.  

If you feel that something bigger than you is trapped inside of you, I encourage you to rethink failure. Prepare for 10,000 ways. Who knows? Even if you end up with a different outcome than the one you hoped for, your path may lead you to something you'd never imagined you could achieve! 

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Fear Factor Part 1: The Fear of Failure

My last post focused on not allowing fear to trap your dreams. Today I’m exploring one of the biggest fears people face—the fear of failure. Ask yourself how many things you’d try if you knew you could not fail. Isn’t the thought alone liberating? Now think about how many things you haven’t tried because you knew you could fail. If you wrote down a list for each of the things I asked you to think about, they’d probably mirror one another.

 

For years I said that I was afraid of failure. I wore it as a badge and it drove me to be pretty ambitious when it came to areas like education, home ownership and corporate achievement.  That fear of failure was what motivated me to always pursue more…  or so I thought.

 

Hindsight is a wonderful teacher, even if its timing is lacking. Hindsight has shown me that while I thought fear was my motivator, it was actually a deterrent to my dreams. While I had focused on certain levels of success, there were other would-be goals that I completely avoided. Why? Because if I didn’t venture into unknown territory, there was no way I could fail. What I did not realize was the one thing that mattered:  If you fear failure, you’ve already failed.

 

Yep. I had been spending so much time on reaching certain goals, that I failed to set goals around other things that really mattered to me. Despite my efforts, I still stared fear in the face, although I had done everything I could to dodge it.

 

So often fear of failure manifests itself in over-cautious behavior, perfectionism and even self sabotage. It results from issues like pain of rejection, lack of self-confidence and feelings of inadequacy.

 

As you think about fear, consider these questions:

 

·         Have you ever been presented with an opportunity and shied away from it because you didn’t think you were qualified?

·         Do you remember concentrating so hard on getting a project just right, that you missed the deadline to turn it in?

·         Did you let a potential partnership pass because you were too lazy to follow up?

·         Did you write off a great idea as a daydream because you had no idea where to start on fulfilling it?

·         Did you find out a “virtual mentor”—the kind you follow in cyberspace because they’re doing what you want to do so you—was coming to town, but you made no effort to attend the event because you figured face time was not an option?

 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I’m sorry to say that you too have succumbed to the fear of failure. Join me as we enter the Realization Room. I would say there’s plenty of room, but that’s not true. It’s crowded in here because we are far from alone. While we’re here, I invite you to do something drastic and redefine failure. Instead of seeing it as a devastating end point, let’s think of it as a growth opportunity. Instead of blowing off that lofty idea, put some research into it, break it down step by step and determine if any part of it is doable.

 

In my commitment to redefining failure, I’m going to do something that I thought was rather silly in the past. My practical nature didn’t really think twice about doing something like getting a vision board. Then I remembered reading this scripture: “Then the LORD answered me, "Write the vision. Make it clear on tablets so that anyone can read it quickly.” (Habakkuk 2:2). After years of having several writing goals that have not seen their full potential, I figure there is no better time than the present to try something new. I’m learning to listen to that voice deep inside that says, “Just try it.”” And try I will. No matter what happens, I won’t have to look back in 20 years and ask, “What if?”

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Don’t Let Fear Trap Your Dreams

“Fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create.” You, too, may have heard actor Will Smith speak these words in a promo for the new film titled “After Earth,” which he stars in with his son, Jaden. The words stayed with me because I’ve been thinking a lot about fear this year. As I’ve realized my dream of publishing my first novel, I’ve also learned a lot about how fear has played a factor in my life and my decisions. I’m not talking about the type of fear that is associated with the fight-or-flight response, but the type of fear that keeps you from pursuing your dreams.

We have so many reasons for not chasing attainable dreams, whether they are to write a book, start a new business, pursue a relationship, earn a degree, change careers or pursue some other venture. We convince ourselves that we don’t have the time or the money. We tell ourselves our dreams are unachievable or silly. We concern ourselves with what other people will say or think, then we count the number of people who will be waiting for us to fail. We allow all of these thoughts to enter our psyche then we say, “Well, life’s not that bad. I’ll just carry on like I always have.” But it’s not about life being bearable as it is; it’s about us being too afraid to do what we were designed to do. It’s about us allowing fear to trap our dreams.

The topic of fear is one that is so powerful and intricate, I can’t speak on it in one post. So, guess what? I have decided to dedicate the month of June to posts about fear. Each week, I’ll bring you a new post on the topic of fear. I hope that my commitment to “punching fear in the face” (as my blog description notes) helps someone else as they consider their own challenges.

Get ready because this should be interesting, especially since I’ll be writing about a topic I have to crucify day in and day out. Stay tuned. We’ll see how this goes!

Shellie

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I'm Glad God Is Not One of Us

If you’re a fan of “The Voice,” you probably remember when Sarah Simmons gave a gritty rendition of “One of Us” during this year’s blind auditions. A cover of the song was featured in Tyler Perry’s 2005 hit “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” and even Dr. Evil sang it in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me” in 1999. The song has gained in popularity both on the billboards and in parodies since Joan Osborne released it 13 years ago.

 

The song’s lyrics pose various questions that implore the listener to consider life if God were just a regular person—one made of flesh and blood; one with flaws and issues; one who walks in plain sight and blends in with the crowd. Some of those questions (paraphrased) are:

• What would His name be?
• Would seeing Him mean you’d have to believe in Jesus?
• What is the one question you’d ask Him?

 

What If God Were One of Us?

“One of Us” represents a desire to connect with a God who does not just look down from heaven but who is close to us and tangible. The thought of God being nearby is comforting, especially when you consider how vulnerable we are at the times when we need Him most. At some point, most people have asked God “Why?” as they’ve faced turmoil, confusion and chaos. They’ve sent up their questions, hoping for an audible response. Today, as the nation experiences international unrest with North Korea, recovers from the fear-mongering that tarnished last month’s Boston Marathon bombing and watches the aftermath of the devastating tornados that pummeled Oklahoma, people look to God for answers.

 

This is nothing new. Even Moses wanted to see God’s face and felt blessed to be in his presence. Still, this faithful servant was only able to see God’s back, because seeing the magnificence of God’s face would have killed him (Exodus 33:23). Impending death aside, most people might take comfort in the idea of God walking among us as his Son did. However, I, for one, am grateful that God is not one of us. Surprised? Keep reading, to find out why.

 

Five Reasons I’m Glad God Is Not One of Us

 

1.    We say, “It's impossible!” God says “All things are possible for those who believe in Me” (Matthew 19:26).

2.    We break promises. God keeps His promises (Deuteronomy 7:9).

3.    We forgive (sometimes), but we don't forget. God has compassion, tramples our sins and throws them into the depths of the ocean (Micah 7:19).

4.    We operate in fear. God does not give us the spirit of fear; He gives us power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).

5.    We cast the broken aside. God does not see us as man sees us and He use us, even in our brokenness.

 

Using a Broken Vessel

It is Point Number 5—regarding our brokenness—that gets the focus for the rest of this post because it starts to reveal the rationale behind the title of my novel, Broken Vessels. Can you imagine what life would be like if God saw us in our brokenness as man sees us—defeated, empty and insignificant? If God were like man, He would probably be quick to dismiss us. He might stop returning phone calls when we’re going through hard times or talk about us behind our backs when we make mistakes. He might lie to our faces, telling us He stands behind us while washing His hands of anything to do with us. He might even hold a grudge for the promises we’ve made to Him but broken.

 

The fact that God doesn’t see us as man does is not only an underlying theme of Broken Vessels; it’s what actually inspired the title of the book. Broken Vessels shows both the lengths Trinity will go through to hide her defects and God’s desire to use her just as she is. It’s at this crossroads where I think so many people get hung up. Here’s what I mean: Like Trinity (the protagonist in the story), people hesitate to go to God because “just as they are” is fragile, faulty and damaged. “Just as they are” is embarrassing and needs improvement. “Just as they are” is messy and unworthy of a blessing. Who hasn’t been caught in up in his own negative thoughts of inferiority? I’ve learned from my own battles with self-doubt that your thoughts have the power to propel you or imprison you. If you become a prisoner to those thoughts, you’ll never realize God’s full potential for you.

 

Half Full, but Fully Valuable

Here’s another story to drive my point home: I recently read a tale about a water bearer in India. Each day for two years, he carried two large pots—one on each end of a pole. He’d go to a faraway stream and fill the pots with water, then carry them back to the master’s house, balancing the pole across his shoulders. One of the pots was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, but the other pot was cracked and water trickled from the leak. By the time the water bearer reached the master’s house, the cracked pot was only half full. Frustrated and embarrassed, the cracked pot apologized to the water bearer for not meeting expectations. The water bearer responded that the pot had no need to apologize because it, too, had a purpose. The water bearer asked if the pot had seen the beautiful flowers that lined the path they took each day. He explained that he’d planted flower seeds along that path, then purposely positioned the cracked pot on that side of the path to water the seeds. Those flowers bloomed and the water bearer picked them and used them to decorate his master’s house.

 

I think this is the perfect example of what God can do with us through our brokenness, if we allow Him to. Despite our flaws, we—like the cracked pot and like Trinity—can become useful vessels. We can make a real difference in someone else’s life if we’re willing to find out just how valuable a broken vessel can be.

 

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The Best Writing Advice Ever

I’ve read many books on writing during my journey to becoming an author, but there is one that really reached me—“Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. I actually read it for a writing class in grad school and I had no idea it would become one of my top 10 favorite books. In “Bird by Bird,” Lamott gives a close-up view of the writing process and all of the bumps and bruises that come along with it. It chips away at any false perceptions that glamorize writing and gets right to the point on issues like finding your own voice, creating better dialog and even using writing to become a better reader. Bonus: The book is funny!

For me, the most spectacular thing about this book is a single quote. The quote is not actually by Lamott herself, but by acclaimed author E. L. Doctorow. It’s marked in my copy of the book—dog-eared on p. 18 and highlighted in faded green ink: “E.L. Doctorow once said that ‘writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’”

When I read it, it was as if the clouds parted and the angels emerged wearing flowing white garments, playing enchanting melodies on stately golden harps. Well, maybe the experience was not that dramatic, but it did produce an epiphany. This quote confirmed that my process wasn’t as haphazard as I thought. Maybe I was closer to the habits of many successful writers who’d already broken through the barriers of rejection and struggle. It was okay that I didn’t know the outcome of every scene, let alone the ending of Broken Vessels. I was no longer uncomfortable in sharing the fact that, from the beginning, I had dumped the traditional approach (screw the rigid outline) and was letting the story unfold as the characters led me.

So now you know the writing quote that keeps me going. And it will continue to guide me…as long as I’ve turned on the headlights.

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Only in the D

 

I used to have a favorite pair of shoes—black leather Anne Klein flats with a rubber sole and white piping. They were not cute by current measures, and are laughable in comparison to several pair of five-inch stilettos that fall into my “two-hour shoes” category because I simply can't wear them for long with these flat feet. The leather flats were the most comfortable pair of shoes I’ve ever owned. I developed a love for the rubber-soled “grandma shoes”—as my then-fiancé dubbed them—that were easy, reliable and comfy. When the soles started to wear out, I got rid of them. But much to the chagrin of my now-husband, I went back to DSW and bought another pair. I’m actually on my third pair now, and though I don’t wear them as frequently as I used to, they are still my official go-to comfy shoe.

Much like those shoes, making Detroit the setting for Broken Vessels just felt right. The decision was second nature. My parents moved to Detroit when I was one year old and later moved just outside the city limits, where I grew up. When I graduated from high school, I was anxious to head to an out-of-state college, but after earning my degree, metro Detroit called me back home. Not only is Detroit home, it is familiar. Not only is Detroit misunderstood, it deserves a positive spotlight.

There are so many unique things about the city. Everyone from this area knows that the six degrees of separation notion is blown to smithereens in metro Detroit. Here, there are more like three degrees of separation. Detroit is the largest city I know of that has a hometown feel when it comes to the social scene. People travel in the same circles, support the same events and network with the same folks. This is what makes the run-ins between Trinity (Broken Vessels’ protagonist) and Tony (Broken Vessels’ antagonist) so realistic.

Aside from the social aspect, there are historic communities like Boston Edison (where my great uncle once lived), North Rosedale Park, Corktown and Indian Village. Each offers a fascinating glimpse into the past with turn-of-the-twentieth-century architecture by distinguished designers like Frank Lloyd Wright and Albert Kahn, long before the popularization of cookie-cutter neighborhoods.

Detroit is also a sleeper town of the arts—whether you're talking about the Detroit Institute of Arts, the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History (the largest institution of its kind in the world), the Motown Museum or even the beloved and now partially destroyed Heidelberg Project, which has as many fans attesting to its artistic expression as critics calling it a wretched eyesore.

Detroit has seen more ups and down than a yo-yo—with recent woes like being put under the advisement of an emergency financial manager and losing 25 percent of its population in a decade. While the issues of the last 10 years center on political corruption, money mismanagement and the short-lived collapse of the autos, there is a black eye on the city from days past that has yet to heal. Few will argue with the statement that Detroit has never recovered from the 1967 race riots that left 43 people dead, 467 people injured, 7,200 people arrested and more than 2,000 buildings destroyed. Though they were before my time, the riots left behind blighted areas and emotional wounds that still serve as painful reminders of the past.

I believe in Detroit's return to greatness and I know that in order to start a new chapter, we’ve got to look to the future. There are efforts like the Detroit Works Project, which looks at long-term revitalization efforts through land use, economic growth, neighborhood improvement plans, vacant building plans and more. There is a resurgence in downtown Detroit with major corporations like Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, Quicken Loans and Compuware that have left the suburbs to plant roots in the city. And there’s the Woodward Light Rail project, which will connect downtown Detroit to the New Center district along the well-known Woodward Avenue corridor. The light rail is expected to increase accessibility to transportation for those who are living in, working in or visiting Detroit and will increase business for nearby shops and restaurants.

Detroit is a city that has a lived a hard life but is finding its way to renewal, going beyond the automobile industry and venturing into IT, green technology and urban farming. I am excited that I am witnessing these changes and want to capture this transformation through a nontraditional medium—fiction. As a new novelist, I am sharing a side of Detroit that does not often receive media coverage and using writing to help change the negative stereotypes connected to metropolitan Detroit. This was my goal for Broken Vessels and it is my goal for the two remaining books I will write to complete a trilogy—all set in this comfy, worn and familiar place I call Detroit.

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